SPEAKER_00 0:13

Hello everybody and welcome back to Empower Your Meni Pause, the podcast all about health, happiness and hormones for women 40 and above. I'm Coach James Ellis.

SPEAKER_01 0:23

And I'm Coach Julie Medesi.

SPEAKER_00 0:25

And together we are Fabulous Beyond 40, and we're really glad to have you with us again because something today we're going to talk about something that we see loads with our clients. We call it the superwoman trap. So you might be thinking, what is this? Have I tuned into sort of a Marvel or a DC podcast? No, no, you haven't. But let's see if you recognise yourself in any of the following scenarios. So it's midweek, let's say Tuesday for the want of argument. You've been out since early in the morning, you've been bouncing between all your commitments like a human pinball, you've got work stuff, you've got errands, you've got a quick stop at I don't know your church or your community or your school because you said you'd help, because of course you did, why would you not? Then after work, it's home, you're straight into all those family logistics. You've got school messages, you've got after school activities, you've got lifts, you've got dinner, you've got laundry, you've got partner stuff, you've got family stuff. Your calendar is starting to look like a military operation, and somehow you're at the command centre of all that, and then within the middle of all that, something inside taps you on the shoulder, maybe listen to this podcast, um, and says, Hold on a minute, you should be paying a little bit of attention to yourself. But the second you think about taking sort of like 10, 15, 20 minutes for yourself, then the guilt turns up, right? And it starts beating on your emotions a bit like a drum. So you push through everything, tell yourself to cash up later by bedtime, all your energy's gone. None of that energy has been used well, it's all been about being useful. Cooking's already felt like too much, rest feels like you've been lazy, and then that little voice in your head starts to bully you and shame you for not being more productive or more perfect, or being able to fit even more into an already packed day, or being able not being able to add hours somehow onto your day. So, if any of that feels or sounds familiar, then today's episode is definitely 100% for you because we seriously need to redefine some of the expectations you may have of yourself. So, as I said, Superwoman syndrome, once you name it, you can change it. But Julie, tell us a little bit more about what this is.

SPEAKER_01 2:48

Yeah, you know, and I love this because it's so familiar. And what we're calling Superwoman syndrome isn't about donning a cape or standing in your Wonder Woman stance all day long. It's not about a specific ambition you have. This is about your identity. It's about a contract that you have with yourself that so many women have because it bases your worth on your output. So if you feel like you're not measuring up to whoever you see on social media or your neighbor or the woman who looks like she's got it all together, right? That can come into play and hit you pretty hard. And it shows up with your kids, um, also with caregiving, pressures from work, volunteering, community roles, you know, being that person that everybody relies on, everybody always goes to to ask to get things done because you're reliable, right? But here's how it plays out in real life you're carrying all of this responsibility. It feels relentless. You live in the shoulds, right? I should do this, I should be doing that, I should, should. And when it comes time to taking time for yourself and your needs, or even actually taking some rest breaks, you start to feel guilty about it. You automatically say yes as a reflex, like like no isn't even an option for you. Um, you become the household project manager, no matter how big your household or your extended household is, right? And the the issue with this that we really see playing in is it eventually you start to feel resentful about it because you think, why can't other people help me? Why do I always have to be the one? Of course, we forget to reach out and ask for help for all this, but we start to feel that resentment. And then we feel guilty about feeling resentful, and we try to make up for it by taking on more for everybody else. So here's a really quick toothbrom for you. You are very capable. There's we're not saying that you're not, but you can be capable and still be carrying too much. And this is a this is a big issue, especially because it spikes in peramenopause, right? We're having more disrupted sleep, we're we're stressed, we're having difficulty getting restful sleep, and that lowers your tolerance for the stress, it lowers your patience level. Um, we become more reactive. I know myself and other women I've talked to in this phase of life certainly have even had moments of kind of rage where they feel like, oh my gosh, I've become possessed by someone else who is this that's taking over my body. The stress load feels heavier when you're hormonally and neurologically less buffered because the hormone fluctuations affect your brain. So this is this is important to remember. We're not completely throwing all responsibility away, but it there are physiological reasons for this. And of course, when you have brain fog, which is a really common symptom at this phase of life, that mental load costs you a lot more energy than it used to. You used to be able to just push through it. And it's not because your bandwidth disappeared, you just kept, you know, opening new tabs. And you know what happens in the computer when you have like 50 tabs open and you can't figure out where the music is coming from, and your computer's running really slowly, and you get all lost trying to find your way back to the tab you actually wanted. Our our brains become kind of like that, and our lives become kind of like that. So, James, you want to talk about what's actually driving this?

SPEAKER_00 6:36

Yeah, sure. Well, I think between us, we've identified three main culprits, right? Number one is obviously the mental load. Women during menopause, perimenopause, and postmenopause tend to have just so much on. You know, being the household CEO is an incredibly demanding job mentally. So, all that planning you have to do, all the anticipating, you know, if I can't do this, what's gonna happen then? You know, remembering things, coordinating things, it's a huge, huge job. Only this morning Laura and I were talking, and we're going away to Laura's got a significant birthday coming up in June. We're going away for her birthday to Las Vegas. Laura's mum is coming to look after the house. At the same time, we planned a new extension on the house, so we've got workers in. So we're now trying to work out the plans to work around that because we think it'd be unfair to have Laura's mum here staying with her kids. You know, mum's getting older, she she's also got a lot on, at the same time as the house has been ripped to shreds by some builders, and so even things like that long-term planning, short-term planning all come in and increase the mental load massively. The second one is our old friend, the P word, perfectionism, comes up all the time with the people we speak to. It was only the other day that I was talking to a client, and she'd not been doing any exercise for ages, and we had a half-hour check-in call, and we came up with a plan for to do two sessions a week. And we went through all this for 30 minutes, we planned it out, worked out what we would do if you know something went wrong, when she could move the session around, what she could do, etc. etc. etc. Her last words to me before the call ended was do you think I'm that's enough? Because I don't think it's enough. You started at zero, so doing two out of seven is a great start. Let's work on getting into five, six, seven, whatever you think is the perfect number afterwards. So that perfectionism dressed up all the time, and then also adding to that using perfectionism as an excuse to dress up, taking on extra responsibilities. If I don't do it, nobody else can do it quite as good. So you know that idea where yeah, oh my partner does the laundry, they put the blues in with the whites, and everything comes out light blue, or whatever it may be. So you so it ends up being you once again using your perfectionism to hold on to something and making sure that's you that does it because you don't trust other people to do it for you. And the truth is, if something gets done, this is one of our mantras, if it gets done, it's better than perfect, because at least it's been done, and even if it's done imperfectly, imperfectly rather, it's it's at least been done. So that's and then the third one, of course, is that fear of disappointing people at work, at home, and friends, and particularly, and many of the people that we see, many of the women that we see, wear this idea of being the reliable one as a badge of honour, and they don't want that badge to be taken away from them and passed on to someone else. So that fear of disappointing people is huge, but it's also rooted a tiny little bit in some ego I tend to find when we when we speak to clients, in that they want to hang on to things. So something to think about here from a reframing point of view. You know, once again, we are not castigating you in any way for being the strong personal at list. That is amazing, but being the number one strong person within your ecosystem doesn't have to be a permanent identity in every single facet of your life. So you can let the perfectionism drop a little bit in some areas, you can let that fear of disappointing people drop off in certain areas, and by doing that, you can decrease that mental load, which was the first one that we talked about. So let's talk about some things, I guess, next. Because I think we've pulled apart what the problem is. Let's talk about some solutions, which is hopefully what you're listening for, and what you're here for. Yeah, so let's think about tool number one. We call this a superwoman audit, it's a mindset challenge. So I'm gonna invite you from the following list work, home stroke, admin, kids stroke, family, aging parents, social obligations, health and fitness. Pick one of those things and ask yourself which of those is draining you most this week? What is taking the most away from your energy, whether it be physical or mental energy? And ask yourself Am I doing something within that area that somebody else could do? Or is it something that doesn't actually need doing? So that's question number one. Question number two is what standard am I trying to maintain and is it realistic? And then adjunct to that is who in brackets, if anyone, actually benefits from me giving it that much attention. And instead of question number three is instead of perfection, what would just being good enough look like here? I think it's worth remembering. I always go back to my exam results at school. If somebody had ever said to me, however much you study, you will always score 65% on every exam that you will ever do. I would take that all day rather than trying to kill myself to chase 100% all the time. So think about that. Think about what's a B plus? What does that look like? You don't have to be a straight A student in all of this all of the time. So, Julie, give us another one.

SPEAKER_01 13:07

Yeah, well, just to round that up, I remember someone telling me once, because I was always the one pursuing that 100%. I got 97, I'm so upset with myself. And he said, Look, C's get degrees. It doesn't matter. Right? My favorite tool here is what we call the three Ds. And again, this is again, part is a it's a lifestyle thing, it's also a mindset thing. But you've got three D's, you've got three choices with everything you're doing. You can drop it, meaning stop doing it altogether. You can delay it, tell yourself not this week, it can come later in the week, later in the month, later in the year, or delegate it. You've got partners, kids, paid help, automation. There's so many different solutions available these days. So looking at this in real life terms, this is one of my favorite analogies because we're going through it right now. Renovating a house is the ultimate reality check, right? Because I know many people have been through this. James, you're gonna be going through it. We're gonna be going through it. You can be super smart, capable, resourceful, watch all the DIY videos. I know Ian is super handy around the house with all of these kinds of things, but you can also still absolutely wreck the project if you try to do everything yourself. And especially if you try to DIY some of the things that require real expertise. Because not every job is just about the effort you put in. It's about skill, it's about knowledge. And sometimes if you get them wrong, you're not, it's not just learning a lesson. You can pay for it dearly in time, stress, money, and damage control, depending on what it is. So, what do you do? In the house example, you bring in experts, you decide what matters most, right? You get some quotes, you get a timeline, a schedule put together, you let a structural engineer do structural engineering, and then you don't beat yourself up because somehow you're not a failure as because you had didn't get become a certified electrician along the way, right? It's okay to ask for help. But in our lives, we have to be the project manager, the admin team, the therapist, the chef, the chauffeur, the event organizer, the emotional regulator for everybody in the household, right? While we're also trying to be brilliant in our career and everywhere else, we have commitments. And then we beat ourselves up when we make mistakes or we can't do more even more because we're already exhausted. So delegation isn't really a luxury, it's about not carrying the entire load and letting everything collapse on top of you. I understand this can be a struggle because I've struggled with it myself, but I want to challenge you because it makes such a difference. Pick one thing that you're doing, either out of habit or guilt, and either drop it, delay it, or delegate it. Just one thing, not 12 different things out of your schedule, just one thing. And by the way, if you have teenagers, they can do more than you think. Um, we may have to learn to tolerate things being done a little differently and not perfectly with attitude, I'm sure. But look at it this way: there are some life important life skills that they need to learn too, and the only way they're going to learn them is by doing things. So I think that's really important. I know for us, one of the luxuries we gave ourselves is hiring someone to clean the house because we both work long hours and it doesn't cost a lot of money relative to the time it would take us to, you know, blast away a whole day on the weekend. So that's a way we were able to delegate something that needs to be done, that neither of us likes doing, that takes up a lot of time and energy. You know, so think about that. Think about ways that you can hand those things off.

SPEAKER_00 17:10

Yeah, one of the things that we delegate is getting the girls to put their clean clothes away. Yeah. And I I won't uh dig her out by saying which one of our twin daughters it is, but one of them currently um it's like an obstacle course getting into her room because of clean clothes are just spread all over the floor. Anyway, just as a little aside. Yeah, okay. So tool number three is something called the boundary sentence bank. So we always talk about sort of like some ready-made sort of like phrases that you can pull out, dig out, and use when it comes to sort of like setting your own boundaries. So here are a few examples that you could use here. So number one is I can't do that this week, but here's what I can do. So once you're asked to do something that is extra over and above the things that you're already trying to cram into an already busy life, and you don't want to put on that cape for the gazillionth time that week, I can't do it this week, but here's what I can do. So you're setting a boundary and you're giving the person something small that relates to the request, so you don't feel as though you're disappointed. You can simply say that's not a priority for me right now. You're not saying a flat out no, but it's not something that you want to prioritize, and people tend to respect that. I like this one because this one is a little bit more sort of aggressive. I'm not available for any last-minute chaos. You know, it's a really good way of saying that is the is the end of it. And then finally, you can say this to yourself, you don't have to say this to other people as well. I'm choosing sustainable over spectacular, yeah. So getting through things rather than trying to be the boss of of everything, I think it's really important. Yeah, so Julie, a couple of last ones from you then for sure.

SPEAKER_01 19:07

There's there's uh something that I find helps immensely, and I that's two lists. I have must-do and nice to do. And everything doesn't go on the must list just because you think it should, by the way, just to clarify that. Um three things maximum. Is there a time or money deadline on it? Then that's probably a must-do. Is someone does someone's livelihood depend on it, right? That's probably a must-do. If things will stop functioning, if it doesn't get done, that's a must-do. Um nice to do, everything else goes here because most things are more flexible than we think. We tend to impose the deadlines, and again, some of it is that ego thing about just getting it all done and taking that responsibility on ourselves. So really think hard about what can go on on those two lists, because then your must-dos can get done first, and whenever you have a little extra time, you can add in the nice to-do's as you have the capacity to do them. And if not, you can schedule them for whenever. And then, you know, we talk about self-care all the time, and I know it's a buzzword, and you know, again, this goes so far beyond manicures and spa days. Self-care looks like something different often from day to day. But these are these are hormone-friendly things that are gonna give you at least a minimum dose of looking after your well-being so that you can continue to do the things that you have um committed to that to do the things that you do on a daily basis. So simple protein at breakfast or lunch, right? Ideally both, but if you struggle to get enough protein, which most women do, pick one and just focus on that. Take a 10 to 15 minute walk sometime through the day, or do a little 10-minute strength training. We call it snacks, right? Exercise snacks. Do a few squats, some wall push-ups, um, you know, just something that gets your body moving and shifts that energy a little bit. Um please, please, please, for your own mental and emotional and physical health, try to wind down as early as you can, which means no screens. You know, that hour before bed is the goal. But if it's even 15 minutes less to start with, that's progress. Lights down if you have that option. It makes a huge difference in the quality of your sleep and the quantity in many cases. And hydration. Please drink enough water, herbal tea, whatever it is that keeps you hydrated. Because a lot of that mental fatigue and muscle fatigue and brain fog can often come because we We're dehydrated. We're on the go all the time. We don't think about it. Um, so that's an important one. We're not we're not adding habits to your list, we're just trying to reduce some of the friction, right?

SPEAKER_00 22:14

Absolutely. So if you're listening to all this and you're thinking, yep, that's me, I recognize some of these things. There's actually nothing wrong with you. You've just overloaded yourself. And you don't need more motivation, you actually need a system to help with that. And one of the things that could help with that is next week we're hosting the mother of all menopause summits. That's February 11th to 13th, 2026. So if you listen to this after those dates, sorry, but it's already happened. It's fully virtual, that means that you can follow it online. So there's nothing live to follow. We've built this specifically for busy career or business mums who need realistic shifts and not another to-do list. With a free ticket, you get 48-hour access to each presentation during summer week. Now, those presentations are short, sharp, 20-25 minutes at the most, and each of them gives you something to do, and then we've got some live sessions layered on top of those as well, a little bit more workshoppy. If you want more time, which you think we're just adding further to that to-do list that we've already talked about you reducing, we've got an option for you. It's called the Menopause Momentum Power Pack. This is our VIP level summit access. You get extras like audio recordings, notes and transcripts, long-term access and early access if you want to get ahead of the game to the pre-recorded summit materials. You get a daily um you get a free month in our club Fabulous Beyond 40, daily workouts, uh, a daily QA, and more than £750 worth of amazing bonuses from our speakers who are speaking. So that is free mini courses, free resources, free worksheets, free um uh we've got a free yoga session in there. There's loads and loads of free stuff that comes with that menopause momentum power pack. You get that uh you get a special offer to it within 30 minutes of registering. So if you want the cheapest deal possible, join that within the first 30 minutes and sign up. So think of the summit as three days of calm, clear direction from over 20 experts without needing to rearrange your whole life. Before you panic, you don't need three days off to attend because it's a mix of live and recorded presentations, as we said, so you can watch the ones you connect with the most at your own pace and on your own schedule. So register today at mother of all menopause summits.com. It's free. And if you're in a superwoman, tries to argue with that, tell her we said that she can take the day off. So after you've registered, your mission is going to be to choose one thing today to do today. Drop, delay, or delegate. Then notice how you feel when you stop trying to be the whole team. Julie.

SPEAKER_01 25:02

Yes. So thank you for joining us again today. We're excited to see you uh next time. In the meantime, we're coaches James and Julie from Fabulous Beyond 40, reminding you to stay strong and stay fabulous. We'll see you at the summit.