SPEAKER_00 0:13

Welcome back to another episode of Empower Your Meni Paules with myself, Coach James, and my amazing colleague, Coach Julie. Today we're going to talk about something that's really, really important, we think, and it's balancing work, personal life, that whole juggling act that comes with just being a woman, 40 and above. So, work, family, self-care, you know, balancing all of life's demands can feel like a real juggling act. We know that, especially at this time of life. So, today we're going to get real about how to maintain some semblance of this mythical idea of balance that everybody keeps talking about. What is it? How does it work? Can we actually achieve it? And do we have to try and lose our minds trying to achieve it in the process? So, whether it's learning to say no and having some strategies for that, better managing your energy, sneaking in a bit of self-care here and there, we're going to have some practical tips to help you feel less like a circus act and more like the amazing ring mistress that you are. So, Julie, we were just talking before we came on to this one, weren't we? About the fact that here we are preaching about balance, yet so often trying to achieve balance in our own lives is a challenge. I think we need to admit that, don't we?

SPEAKER_01 1:36

Yeah, absolutely. There is no ideal here, there is no level of perfection here. This is um a constantly moving target, and it's going to look different for everyone because depending on your family situation, your work situation, what things in your life are most important to you, how your health is, your energy, it's it's going to be a moving target and it's it's going to look different from person to person. But the the main, I think the main idea is to discover what that means for you so that you have some that that thing to work toward. Because a lot of times we use these sort of nebulous words, work-life balance. Well, what does that mean? You know, what is I mean, we we see the the idea of the scales on the top of the justice hall or whatever, but that that really isn't how life works.

SPEAKER_00 2:31

Yeah, and you're recognizing that there are bumps on any journey. It's never linear. We've talked about that a lot. There are always ups and downs. Um, and I think as much as anything, the conversation today might rotate a little bit around a couple of things. One would be it's okay occasionally not to have balance, as long as it's not an overriding thing, and then the other thing as well is there are some things that we can do to help manage our actual physiological balance at least. So that whole concept of fight or flight versus rest and digest, how those systems work will be something that we're probably gonna dig into. But let's start off, I think, with something that I think is really, really important. And I think that is often when it comes to balance, you know, there's that old idea, isn't it? Are you glass half full or half empty? And really that should be perfectly balanced. And quite often when we talk about balance, we actually look at our glasses being half empty. So we're constantly looking at what we're not doing rather than celebrating what we are doing, if you if you like.

SPEAKER_01 3:49

Yeah, absolutely. Although my my favorite take on that is it doesn't matter if the glass is half full or half empty, it's refillable. But yeah, it and it this is something I'm guilty of especially. I remember my husband came home one day some months ago and just said, instead of when I ask you about your day, instead of telling me about all the things you haven't done, why don't you tell me about all the things you have done? Because I know you've done a lot. Um, and I thought, oh, yeah, I didn't even realize I was doing that. And I'm normally a very upbeat, sort of positive-minded person. So it surprised me to hear that coming from him. But it is really common because we have this idea that we're supposed to do it all, we're supposed to get it all done. And if we're not productive every minute of the day, then we have failed. And that's just not even remotely true. Um, yeah, so so the to-do list, I think, while it's a great way to keep us organized and focused, I don't think it's necessarily helpful. I I used to write a to-done list, and then I would write down all the things as I did them. I would write down all the things I did. Of course, that that's a whole other topic. And we're gonna, as we said uh last episode, we're probably gonna have a whole episode about productivity and time management. But uh, but yeah, there are different approaches to that, but paying attention to what we've done is probably a lot more satisfying.

SPEAKER_00 5:24

Sure. Well, I I actually do like a to-do list for myself personally. I know that I'm not a menopausal woman, but for me, even on days when I've you know to shut down the computer at the end of the day, if I've got a list of things, my little Word document that's got strike throughs through anything on there, I can reflect back and think that I've achieved something. Even if it's only one out of my eight things that I had to do that day, obviously, if it's seven, um, I'm celebrating even more. But I just think it just helps remind us sometimes that we've done stuff. So even at the end of the day, when we're berating ourselves for the fact, oh my god, I didn't get all my tasks done or I didn't check everything off. Well, just have a look and see, or a little reflection, a moment of self-reflection, and think to yourself, did you actually achieve everything? I was sharing with you before, I had a client in the gym this morning, one of my old PT clients, and she was berating herself for a nutrition uh not being at the best at the moment. She said, I find it really easy to stick to exercise, I don't find it as hard. I find it harder to stick to nutrition. And this is a lady who's got a husband, two kids, she's got a really, really important job as an executive. She makes a lot of time for herself, she makes a lot of time to exercise, to go on walks, to spend time with her girlfriends, um, to allow herself that element of self-care. And I think when you're doing all that kind of stuff, to say, you know, occasionally nutrition is not that great. It's not something to beat yourself up about, it's something to think about. Well, maybe that is something that I could start working towards, but it doesn't have to be a cast-iron on or off thing that we're we're we're fighting all the time.

SPEAKER_01 7:18

Yeah, 100% agree. And the other thing to think about here is how realistic are our expectations of what we can get done in a day? It may seem like these three tasks I can just breeze through, but they may actually end up taking hours, or we may, as you and I well know, we may run into technical difficulties. Um, you know, if the computer crashes, and what are you going to do? Um, we have we have to we have to be kind of flexible um in in the way we look at these things in instead of being unrealistic about what's possible in in a day's time and and what we're capable of, because our energy is going to be different day to day. Our mental state's going to be different day to day. We might have different things going on in our lives day to day that that make some of these things we expect ourselves to do a little bit less easy to stay on top of and and to be able to give ourselves some grace and have that flexibility, I think is really important when we're looking at you know, how do I balance these things? How do I how do I decide when I've had a successful day? You know, some days it's I put my underwear on inside my pants or my dress or my you know, and and other days it's like I breathed through my to-do list, I got to the gym, I went shopping, I did the whole thing, right?

SPEAKER_00 8:42

And I think this is an acceptance, really, isn't it, of that idea of it being a journey and not all about the destination, it's about doing the best that you can on the way there, depending on what's going on in your life at the time. Sometimes there are things that we just can't do anything about. Um, classic example for this is you know you train really hard to train for a marathon, let's say, or a half marathon or a 10k or whatever it may be, and you set off on the morning and you get to the first corner and you trip up and you twist your ankle, and therefore you aren't physically able to do it. But there is zero that you can do as a person who's trained for that, to actually to actually avoid that. So all you can do to get yourself in the best state for that race is to continue to train consistently, and and really that for me is where balance comes in. If we're trying to do the right things when we can and give ourselves that grace, for me, that is like nine-tenths of the battle. Because occasionally just something's gonna come along and it's gonna throw a spanner in the works, and it's yeah, absolutely how we react to that spanner that is is part of the challenge, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 10:12

And that's that's a good point. Resilience comes to mind here because resilience isn't about how hard we can go at and do something, it's about how we bounce back when things don't go according to plan. Um, and so resil I think resilience is a is a an important factor here, um, along with that that flexibility, uh, if that makes sense.

SPEAKER_00 10:36

Yeah.

unknown 10:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:38

Let's talk about energy levels. How can we balance energy levels? You know, we've women at this age have got all this stuff going on, hormonal shifts are all over the place. You've got mood swings, you've got fatigue. Um, quite often, middle of the afternoon, there's that huge slump, isn't there? Um, what can we do to help with energy levels, in your opinion? What can we do there to help that balance?

SPEAKER_01 11:07

Um, there are a number of things. The first one that comes to mind for me is getting enough sleep. And I know that's a challenge at this time of life, but an earlier bedtime, learning to do some relaxation techniques on the nights that you can't necessarily sleep. Um, that's going to be really important because it sets us up for success the next day. Um, I also find that getting enough protein really helps maintain energy levels. Um, when I started eating enough protein in the morning and at lunchtime, I stopped getting tired in the middle of the afternoon. And hydration, of course.

SPEAKER_00 11:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:46

Big on hydration.

SPEAKER_00 11:49

We talked about uh this on the last episode that we did, but you know, this idea that some of our nutritional friends come into play again and again and again, you know, things like leafy greens, foods that have got B vitamins in them, all the B vitamins are essential for getting the best we can for energy from our from our food. And so that becomes like a self-fulfilling prophecy, doesn't it? The more great uh leafy greens that we have, the more B vitamins that are in our diet, the more that we can um get the best out of our eating as well.

SPEAKER_01 12:24

Yeah, for sure. And avoiding processed sugars because that tends to be the first thing most people go to. And even if you don't think you're eating a lot of sugar, you might be surprised about those protein bars or um energy drinks or protein shakes, um, even some of the trail mixes and granolas that that you might grab thinking you're getting some good uh protein and into your body are more sugar than anything else. And sugar is going to spike your energy and drop it like a stone. Whereas something that's actually whole food or protein or um something that's chock full of B vitamins is going to help a lot more for maintaining that constant, consistent energy. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:10

I know we're jumping about a little bit here when it comes to the concept of balance. Um but it strikes me as though the societal expectations uh on women 40 and above to do everything. That pressure to do it all, to be everything to everyone, to be the matriarch, if you like, the the head carer to do you know, it's a real real challenge, isn't it? And it throws a lot of weight on women at this time of life. By weight, I don't physical weight, I mean actual sort of like mental expectation. It's a it's a real challenge.

SPEAKER_01 13:58

Definitely. And one of my favorite things, unfortunately, we're not all using paper planners anymore, but one of my favorite tips ever came from Jack Canfield years ago when he was talking about establishing balance and making sure you have enough time for yourself. We you know, going to the airline adage of putting on your own oxygen mask first, but he said, open your planner and on every single day take a highlighter, a yellow highlighter pen, and write the word no. So you still can write in your appointments over the top of that. But when you open your calendar, the first thing you're going to see, someone asks you if you're available on that day, the first thing you'll see is the word no. Um, so you can remember to say no. And and we have a we are conditioned to not say no. We want to please people, we don't want to make someone feel bad. But when we're saying no, or when we're saying yes to everyone else, we're saying no to ourselves. And I think that when we learn to say no, we can do it in a kind way. Um, we can buy ourselves some time now if we're talking to somebody. Oh, by the way, can you bake some cupcakes for this week's, you know, whatever? Um, a better response if you have trouble saying no is something like, let me check my calendar and get back to you. And that gives you time to pause. And it's okay to say no. It's easier to say no first and then yes later if you find you have some time than it is to say yes and then go through all that guilt of either resenting that you have to do it, overburdening yourself, or having to be guilty about, feel guilty about saying no later after you've already said yes. So protecting ourselves. No can be a complete sentence. You don't always have to give an explanation.

SPEAKER_00 15:45

And that inability to say no, or that lack of confidence in saying no, or the fact that we feel bad saying no, all that really is doing if we're continually saying yes, is adding a another thing to that already burgeoning to-do list that we talked about earlier. And the repercussion of that, of course, is that thing that we talk about quite often physiologically, it means that you're constantly in a state of fight or flight, your stress hormones are constantly up. Stress, we've said it once, we've said it a million times, and we'll probably say it a million times again, is the biggest enemy of women in the menopause transition because of the way but how the symptoms kind of match and marry each other between stress and menopause, between how you already when you go to see your doctor or your healthcare professional about it, because they often confuse the signals there and and and aren't having an understanding of what's going on. But also that idea that physiologically there is nothing to counterbalance that is there, and that is a real real challenge. And I think for me, once again, it highlights this need, this value, this want for having a self-care routine somewhere in your arsenal if you want to achieve that balance, because effectively that is what real physiological balance is. It's being able to switch between those states of having the get up and go when you need it, but also being able to switch into rest and digest mode as and when you need to do that as well. And part of the challenge I see is that because we're so in the active mode all the time, that flip side is often left behind.

SPEAKER_01 17:54

Yeah, and we feel unproductive or even lazy when we take that time for ourselves. And that recharge time, by the way, doesn't mean flopping in front of the television and binge watching your favorite program. That might be a good thing to do occasionally, but that's not what's feeding your body and your mind the way it needs to properly rest and digest. And one of one of the best pieces of advice I ever got from a coach when talking about managing my schedule was that I sit down on Sunday usually and plan my week. And I before I book in, maybe very set appointments, I'll put those on the calendar. But even before I book those, I book in my self-care time. So my workouts go on the calendar first. My time with the my family, which is my dog and my husband, goes on second. And um, and those are my priorities because without my workouts, I'm not useful to them. Um, so I don't consider that to be selfish. I know some people would think that should be the other way around, but I absolutely stand by that.

SPEAKER_00 19:01

It's selfless, really, isn't it?

SPEAKER_01 19:04

Yes. Because I'm giving them the best version of me by doing that. And then after those things are on the calendar, um, I will look at my set appointments and um I'll time block in the the things I want to accomplish for the week. And I allow blank space in there now because things change and shift, as we mentioned. So being able to move things around and have some flexibility is really important, and it and there's time for spillover or time for just quiet time. If there's a an opening in my calendar and I think this is a good time to take a break, one of the best self-care things you can do, and again, bring those that balance is maybe go for a walk or do some journaling or take a nap or whatever, whatever it is. But I I think we don't give credit to the importance of booking that time in our calendar first.

SPEAKER_00 20:04

Yeah, I think that's really important. Absolutely agree. When it comes to so we've talked about some some of the things that people can do. We've talked about energy management, we've talked about food that can help with that, we've talked about discurring on the importance of time blocking, and we've said that we'll do a full podcast on it at some point. We've talked about the busyness of women at this age, so many things to do and organise, and constantly being in that state of things going like a hundred miles an hour constant constantly. There comes a time when a conversation needs to be had, and that could be a conversation with your spouse or your partner, it could be a conversation with your kids, it could be a conversation with your employer or your HR department about menopausing exactly how you're feeling. Because the truth is, unless that's expressed, how can they help and how can they support you in this journey? But it strikes me is that because of these societal pressures that women are constantly have to feel as though they're doing the right thing, that's a really difficult conversation for somebody to have, right? To go and sit down with their boss and say, Do you know what? Change is happening to my body and that is affecting the way that my life is going at the moment. How can I best manage that? Or turning around and admitting that to your partner or your friends. It's a challenging conversation. So, how do you have that conversation as a woman? How do you how do you front up to that?

SPEAKER_01 21:54

Um, I have well, I have a few ideas there. And as a former HR professional, I know that this is. sort of a tricky, you know, tricky waters to sail, shall we say, at the workplace, because we don't want to we don't want to disclose too much personal information necessarily, but more and more workplaces are becoming menopause friendly. If there's an employee assistance program available at work, that's a great place to start because the there you can have confidential conversations and get some guidance on what to do. But with your HR department, you don't have to necessarily go into all your symptoms and all of your personal things, but you can say I'm at a point in my life where I'm finding I need to adjust my work schedule based on the demands or based on you know whatever it may be. If you're if you're having and again I I tread lightly about saying health issues because we don't want to jeopardize anybody's position in in their career and and you know share more than than what they need to share. But just saying that I need to have some flexibility built in because of things that are happening in my life. You can leave it that generic if it needs to be and that can be adjusting your workspace it can be adjusting your work hours asking for more flexibility maybe doing some remote working different ways to adjust your workload different ways to manage your calendar one of the things I did because I was starting to have some symptoms before I left the US and left my career behind I asked permission. I I told them what I wanted to do and then asked permission for that to be okay which was to block time on my calendar for focus time because I said I'm finding that the constant distractions are keeping me from being productive. And that means something to the employer. I didn't have to explain why but when I said I want to be more productive my employer was oh yeah how can we make that happen? And so I said I would like to be able to book you know to block an hour in the morning and an hour in the afternoon. And during that time sometimes I would use that to focus on work and sometimes I would use that to get up and move around a little bit or do something that was more self-care related shift my lunchtime around and get that kind of flexibility so that I could attend to my needs as they as they fluctuated for me. So having that conversation can be somewhat generic but there's no reason you can't ask for for those things because they're not out of line if your employer wants you to be productive and happy in your job then they're going to be open to you showing them ways that they can help you do that.

unknown 24:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 24:48

I think I think you're absolutely right as well that the conversation has changed over the last five ten years or so hasn't it and companies now are much more menopause friendly than than they've ever been. I'm not saying that it's perfect and that every company every company is but it's certainly less I wouldn't say less intimidating because the conversation might always be found intimidating for somebody to go and go and have that conversation but certainly there's a greater understanding and and the recep the reception that you get from your employer or your HR department or your partner whoever it may be that you want to open this conversation with with may be is likely to be more positive than we expect it to be because of those changes and that increased understanding.

SPEAKER_01 25:42

Sure. And and approaching when it comes to personal things approaching your partner approaching your family and and saying maybe educating them as best you can getting some materials that that explain what this period of life is say I'm not sick but my body is undergoing some changes and I would like to ask for your support in helping me manage this. And I one of the things I find really interesting is a lot of women expect their kids not to be doing things around the house not to be pitching in. And there's first of all they're losing out on on learning some very important life skills because they're not just going to magically have them when they leave home and also when they get to this age it's very reasonable to ask them to start pitching in and so that you can have some relief and not because you're trying to be mean to them but because you need the support too there's no reason if a if a friend came and asked you for help you would drop everything and and help them because that's who you are.

SPEAKER_00 26:54

So why shouldn't someone else give you the same kind of support why would you be less worthy right 100% yeah cool okay so I think that brings us to the end just about our 30 minutes once again if you do like the stuff that we're talking about if you are enjoying the podcast please like subscribe um share it with your friends that all helps us grow together both us as Fabers beyond 40 and our wider community that that listen to things do as well follow us on Facebook on Instagram we'll put those links as ever ever below we do have several different resources we'll pop those in there as well we have um Mind of a menopause which is a really great place to start as a free resource if it balances something that you're looking to achieve. Mind of a menopause will again put the link to that it's a free short training seven days help you create a menopause vision statement which can just help you filter some of the decisions that you make during this really really key important stage in life. So that's it for us from this week we'll see you next time it's been Coach Julie and Coach James reminding you to continue to feel fabulous. We'll see you next time. Take care bye